let this end soon - whatever the outcome.

so where do you start?
- knowing deep in yourself it's already much too late to pick up the pieces.
there's so much to do, so much to prove.
but the task in itself is barely one, a purpose conceived to fulfil the need to have a purpose.
empty and hollow.
then comes with it the intermittent puffs of euphoria, times where i think i know, i understand fully this band of reality.
maybe im too immersed by my own expectations and wishful hoping that i don't see the options laid out for me.
or maybe its true if i know already what i have to do and it's just my stubbornness and a desire to hold on to past illusions long shattered.
so it's just a matter of getting up again myself after all the beliefs i had foolishly held on to so long cruelly turns against all the things i thought was an epitome of perrenial devotion.
I spent my days hoping that the dream would come back while I was asleep.
i know what im capable of. and i know i can if i want to.
yet there's distress and rage and pain, evoked from the churning memories of the ghosts of my past.
this time, there'll be no angels, no helping hand, no gleeful thought capable of bailing me out from this trial.
it'll be just me and a capricious will to hold on.